Saturday, April 16, 2011

The long-awaited speech

Ladies and gentlemen, I can hardly express how excited and pleased I am to appear today before you. Here on Capitol Hill in Washington I feel more at home than anywhere else in the world. Much more at home than on the Knesset floor in Jerusalem. There, I would never have delivered this speech, ladies and gentlemen, no way! No way, am I crazy? To make important political speeches in the Knesset? Of course it is true, thank God, that we have a solid right-wing majority in the Knesset. But still, we have there some black sheep, a few impertinent leftists, nasty people. They might have started heckling me or make some cynical remarks about my peace plans. Here with you, in Washington, such things cannot happen. I can be sure that, whatever I say, all of you will burst out clapping. And anyone who will not applaud loudly enough will be taken care of by AIPAC.

Well, in short, with you I don't need go into great detail. You already know what's what. We are a democracy, the only democratic country in the Middle East, and we share democratic values with you here in America (where's the applause and the clapping? Very good, very good.) We are surrounded by enemies and faced with the most dangerous threats. I've already explained to you a lot of times about the grave danger of Ahmadinejad, that nuclear bastard from Tehran. And there is also the threat of the new flotilla which is going to sail in the direction of the Port of Gaza next month. Just imagine, we have intelligence information that also this time they intend to take with them some kitchen knives! Our good boys in the Naval Commandos are preparing to block this threat. Or shall we actually confuse them and not block them after all? We will see, I have a meeting with the security people about that, next week.

Anyway, this is not exactly what I came to talk to you about today. I wanted to warn you specifically about Abu Mazen, yes, this bastard chick who had grown feathers and has by now become a real wolf in sheep's clothing. He has come up with a really nasty conspiracy. To create facts on the ground! Yes, you have heard right, he actually intends to create facts on the ground! He does not want to go on negotiating with us, that bastard. We are already negotiating for twenty years, and there was a very nice progress in the Peace Process. Another forty years, and we would come to some kind of agreement. Yes, definitely. At most, in fifty years. But these bastards don't want to go on negotiating, they want to create facts unilaterally, these insolent rascals. They want to get recognition as a state by the United Nations, come September. But you will not let them, will you! (More clapping, more clapping! Stronger! Stronger!). Excellent, excellent, I knew I could rely on you. The Palestinians have the UN General Assembly, but what is the UN compared to having the United States Congress in your inmost pocket?

Any questions? Of course not. Everything is clear, you know your mission and you will perform well, as always. See you in September, guys. What's this? Is this how you clap for your platoon commander? I can hear nothing. Harder, guys, harder, more clapping, more applause! Don't forget, when AIPAC is around, Senators have a good reason to shake! Guard your back, guys! See you in September!